Kaleidescope

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Sweet, self-induced coma, brought on by dope that earns its’ keep.

Brain sloshing around the skull, collecting shells from the sodden shore, I absent-mindedly staggered back to the security of the elephant footpath, as grey as death, the sky a pregnant sponge.

The other bodies trundle past, not seeing me. But I see them; their spirits.

The completely vulgar couple, walking entwined.

Guffawing donkey lady with sprays of orange hair leaping away from the cranium.

Dusty, cobwebby old man, shuffling and murmuring.

Gaunt, starving junkie, zigzagging and blathering.

Middle-aged beetroot, pickled with alcohol.

Rotten bacon bikie, eyes and jaw locked, strutting unconvincingly.

Witch wannabe, furiously flapping purple sleeves, slitty conniving eyes.

Bulldozing business lady, sure-footed and pretentiously crisp.

Too tired to notice more, so I turned to the library, diving for security.

The librarian, crusty with knowledge, peered suspiciously at me, but I didn’t

care, and flopped down on the chair.

Putty faces everywhere, so I submerse myself into useless information.

St Paul eradicating women from the church – “Let your women keep silence

in the churches, for it is not permitted unto them to speak.” Stupid prick.

Lost Aztec history, self-help manuals, psychology magazines, spy novels.

Boredom.

Back home to nothingness.

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Love: Profane versus Divine

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How many of us believe that the only true love is passionate, lustful, obsessive and all-encompassing? That love without regular, mind blowing sex is dead? When I was in my twenties, I read something about my karmic astrology that said that one of my lessons in life was to strive for ‘Divine’ love and to move away from ‘Profane’ love. I was flabbergasted & insulted! The only love I knew, searched for and settled for was the kind that consumed me; made me passionate, jealous, paranoid about my appearance; and turned me into a raging monster when the relationship was threatened in any way. (Even if I was the one that was threatening it!)

Of course, those relationships burned up quickly, like a wildfire – the longest lasting 3 years. I still sniggered at the thought of ‘Divine’ love. To me it represented sterility, coldness, ‘making do’ with something unsatisfactory, perfunctory, straining for purity & holiness, without passion & fire. I’d assumed that there was only one soul-mate in anyone’s life & that if you stuffed it up – that was it, you might as well be alone for the rest of your life.

That’s what I thought would happen to me. That I’d end up a spinster, alone with my cats & books, pining for love & grieving for love lost. Then I met Robert (on the internet! Yikes!) I was in Australia & he was here in the U.S. At first we were just chatting, & of course, due to my passionate & unbridled soul, it turned into something more than just friends. We fell in love & spent many hours lusting after each other through Skype.

A year later I came to the U.S. to meet him. As soon as we saw each other at the airport we fell into each others arms. We kept staring at each other. We felt as though we had always been together & knew that ‘this was it!’ I could feel the old fire churning inside my soul & I was fearful that it would destroy what we had. After being here for 3 weeks I went home – completely consumed by the misery of being split from him.

We talked & planned & jumped through the hoops to get me back here. It took another year – but in July 2008 – I finally arrived & we married. I’d never married before – so it was a big deal to me. Then something dawned on me – yes – I was passionately in love with him, but what mattered most to me was that he liked me & that I liked him. We cuddle, talk, watch movies, laugh & carry on like a couple of teenagers – but we are actually compatible – & sex has nothing to do with it!

Of course, sex is important – but it’s not the be all & end all! I was stumped! I realize that even if we never have sex again – I will still love him dearly, will take care of him when he’s ill, will forgive his trespasses, will shrug off his occasional glance at another woman – & that the only thing that matters is his happiness. Is this ‘Divine’ love? It feels like it. I think I’ve made it! It makes sense to me now!

I also realize that in life, we have many soul-mates – some of them sexual, some of them platonic, some of them spiritual. Our soul-mates are the partners we take on, the children we connect with, the parents we adore, the old lady at the bus stop who philosophizes about life, the animals we connect with. It takes time to realize that not everything revolves around sex.

How painful, time consuming & monumentally boring it is to only strive for sex! How exciting it is to discover that life has so much more to offer. How sobering it is to understand that sex is a release & an expression of love for each other – & nothing more! How thrilling it is to discover that there are so many more fascinating things in life to explore & that we don’t have much time to fit it all in. How depressing it would be to only find this out on your death bed!

The Demonization of sex & protecting children

The people who are most afraid of children being exposed to sexuality are the very people who inflict it on children – through molestation (physical or mental – i.e. ‘you’ll go to hell if you do that!”) We forget that children have their own brand of sexuality – like discovering they have body parts that feel good sometimes. The trick is – not to make them feel bad about it – whilst keeping it relatively private.

The problem is that adults have to include themselves in it – leave the children alone! – meaning don’t discourage sexuality, but at the same time – teach them that there’s a time & a place for it. (Us adults could learn from that!) It’s when we have to ‘include’ ourselves – via child pornography & molestation – or the other end of the spectrum – demonizing sexuality – that we warp their fragile little minds!

Just because we have such a variety of sexual hang-ups, doesn’t mean that we can impose them on our children. (And because of them – imposing our hang-ups on other adults!) We are all responsible for keeping our children safe – but not to the detriment of their psychological well-being or the well-being of consenting, mature adults.

There is a time & place for everything – let’s not continue the backslide into the Dark Ages! No more witch hunts & burning at the stake. Either grow up & recognize that we are in the 21st Century – or climb back under the rock you came from.

Is porno the other lover?

What makes porno such a dirty word – especially in relationships? When the woman comes home & sees her partner jacking off to porn – why does she get so mad? On the one hand, you could argue that at least he (or she) isn’t off screwing someone else – but is it a form of cheating? That depends. If they won’t screw you but are happy to look at porn – there should be warning bells.

What if it just happened that they were horny & you weren’t available? These things need to be discussed before you threaten to leave. Men aren’t the only ones who enjoy porn – but society seems to view a women enjoying porn as a nympho. It would be so much easier if both men & women agreed porn has it’s place – & that if we’re going to use porn – then at least agree to share it with each other rather than hoarding it for ourselves!

If we can’t admit to each other what turns us on – then what’s the point of being together? Guilt, perversity & resentment have a lot to do with it. It also irks me that men are so allowed to be scornful when ‘confronted’ with gay male porno – but they can shout it from the rooftops when they see lesbian porn. I believe women are more open for a number of reasons – first – they can appreciate sexuality in whatever form it takes (to a degree, of course!)

Secondly – we are force fed the female form & directed to worship it – in the most idealized format – and to aspire to that same form – which is unattainable for most of us, seeing as we don’t have airbrush artists, personal trainers, etc. Thirdly – women are more likely to be oppressed sexually (which seems strange in today’s world – where we see scantily clad ‘slutty’ women everywhere!) Women can enjoy sex – as long as it’s in the terms that are issued to us by our male dominated society.

Some women think in terms of “If you can’t beat them – join them – or tear them down!”  Women can be their own worst enemies – joining the ranks of the dictatorial male dominated media & establishment – setting the sexual pace for women & impossible standards just to set women up to fail. Men enjoy this – because it keeps women busy & off their backs! Never be afraid to say you’re a feminist – with masculinist undertones! Or better yet – a Humanist!

We can all enjoy sex without fear of recrimination – just don’t use it to subjugate others or to replace the simple things like love, affection etc. And another thing – to all you right wing religious fanatics – yes – families are important – children should be protected – and it’s up to you – not the rest of us! We are adults & we will continue thinking what we want & viewing what we want (within reason!) The only reason you zealots are afraid of pornography is that it reminds you that you don’t ‘get it’ or – get it how you’d want. Jealousy is all the fun you think someone else is having!

No beauty without decay

This is the nature of impermanence. No night without day. No light without dark. No beauty without decay. Everything ebbs & flows. To be static is to be without life. The only stasis is in the mind, in memory. But even when it’s enforced it slips around like smoke in your hand. To capture the beauty is to kill it. But is utter freedom desirable? No more than utter captivity. Is the middle way the way to go? Does that mean stasis? To be like a leaf on the wind, without laying roots, is romantic for a while – but then, the aching need for stability creeps in. (At least, every once in a while.) Better to have an anchor with a long chain! If beauty is in the eye of the beholder – then may the beholder see beauty in all things. I see beauty in rotting compost – insects & worms wriggling about – industry! I see beauty in an ageing face – experience! I see beauty in disease – revelation! I see beauty in misery & despair – understanding! I see beauty in chaos & destruction – transformation! I see beauty in death – freedom! This is all a projection.wpcarainbow